As Time Goes By

Here it is, almost 1 1/2 years after the birth of my angel, and I can say that I KNOW that I am and have healed from things......... I hate the saying "You will get OVER it" cause that just isn't true, HOWEVER, You do get THROUGH it...... something I do continue to say and say to others......

Several weeks ago I went to J's gravesite; because I don't live in the same state, when I do go to that state I prepare myself and make a visit. When I decided to actually drive there, my chest felt hollow. When I got there I felt like I couldn't breathe. As I spent time there, I almost felt like it was a reality show, cause they are so common, however I looked up and knew I was alone, and I was able to pray for my family and my son in peace. Peace and Grace are two things that are hard to come by. Peace by oneself, how often does a mother experience that?? But God's Grace is something I am learning/rediscovering.

I am at a point where I know what direction I want to head, without knowing at all.... if that makes sense..... another child, not another child? I have been more than blessed with a daughter that is soooo AMAZING, and I continue to truly wonder what God's plan is for me.... However, I am still finding and continuing in the faith that He will let me know; Somehow.... LOL.... sometimes I wonder of His messages, but I try so very hard to stay true to what I am "supposed" to do according to His plan, regardless of mine.... WHAT A FINE LINE! Ha Ha.....

Hope this finds everyone well, sure do appreciate all the love and support... still. May His light shine brightly on your day :)

Love Never Fails

So here I am tonight, another snow day on my hands... had a great day, started painting my "sunshine room".... a room I am making yellow..... The only reason I wanted to make it yellow was because of J.... yet there is still this amazing emptiness inside of me... Well of course there is I tell myself.... J is not here, hubby is gone, the holiday's rocked my world, and I am yet to feel complete.... Is that too much to ask?? I don't think so. The holiday's rocked me because people that I thought that would know me the best, knew me the least.... that sucked.... then I came home to being alone again. Not to be ungrateful for the things that happened in between, but, come on now....

So, again, here I am again tonight, another snow day on my hands, one of my very besties made me an amazing video that I watch... and when I watch it, not like once or twice, I watch it like ten times at least, but then don't watch it for weeks... sorry, it is a video of the pictures of J when he was born. It is so well thought out, it is so amazing. It makes me think individually about each moment captured.....

SO that leads me to my next point....... not all of the people in those photos do I share my life with anymore. More do I than not, but those that I look at especially those super close to my heart and I wonder, what are you doing?????? I have learned a lot, I have had more of an opinion about a lot, but really??? I believe I was not wrong in any decisions that I have made about certain individuals, and in the end I have to believe it is the legacy that my son brought that allowed me to find myself in being comfortable in even voicing my opinion as I have.

The moral is this.. Love Never Fails.... I trust in this.... I have too.... My son taught me sooo many lessons in such a short time, but those lessons I will not forget, nor will I go back on what I believe due to my hardship..... Live with me now is all I ask.... if only it were that simple for some.

All my love and blessings to those who continue to read.....

It Hurts

So, not like the Holidays are hard enough without my husband, my heart is hurting especially tonight. Tonight is Children's Memorial, where we light a candle for those we love and have lost in remembrance..... tomorrow is my birthday... for the rest of my life, it will be this way... WHY??? I ask so many times... I am a good person I say, I do good things I say, then I think I must be a failure..... Still working through it all. I think I will always be angry. It is unfair to carry a child you know will die when you give birth. Birth is supposed to be a joyous time... The last I had was so far from that. I am reminded of the innocence when my 4 year old daughter still does not understand.... how do explain something you don't even understand yourself?? I still think of J in milestones like so many parents with their children... I guess it is just a pity party for me tonight... But I feel that I am entitled... No one seems to understand my pain fully, which I get that too.... I know everyone felt pain, I empathize with them too, trust me.... I just have to vent every once and a while... I feel cleansed when I write here... I feel like I am able to say what I need to without judgment. I appreciate all who read and support me. All my love, xoxoxoxo

Angel J

August 7th, 2010

So here we are, 7 days from the "anniversary" (I hate that word in this context) of J earning his angel wings. We call him "J"... I think that is what I would have called him. I am exceptionally missing my husband over this time. Only a year ago I was still pregnant, and now it has been a year of mourning. Well, I guess a lot of time was spent in denial and other stuff too.... I will say that I am very happy with my life, I think of my son everyday, and the tears are fewer and fewer. The hole inside of my chest is just exceptionally huge right now. I jokingly told Greg he needed to leave the Army... was really joking, but I am so over this deployment already. I still have not settled J's things materialistally; but all in good time. I want to make a shadow box of his clothing, but not until I don't want to hold it anymore. I am not willing to rush myself with anything ever anymore... My son has taught me more about stepping back and really feeling and enjoying life to the best of one's abilities at that moment. How often do we take a second to really feel each thing happening to us, and in those seconds really take it all in?? Now I stamp certain points in my life, and take special note, and feel it all, and put it away cause it was a very good moment. When we suffer so greatly, for so long, for the one thing we want most, our children to be born healthy and happy, one must take something positive out of the experience right?? Or otherwise, seriously, what was the f'n point......I often think to myself all those wonderful cliques that I can't stand... God doesn't give you more than you can handle.... I know how you feel.... Time heals all wounds... etc etc....

Feel like I am rambling now.......... Probably will post a lot this week... feels better to let those that love me and I love to know how I am feeling...
xoxo to you all!

A Hard Question

Until Jonathan I thought the question, "How many children do you have?" was just an innocent question that one would use to get to know you better or to catch up. Everytime I am faced with that question part of my soul freezes; it is hard to always know how to answer that question. There are so many variables that come into play when someone asks. They also don't mean to inflict pain upon you, it is meant to be an innocent question. I don't know that this question will ever get easier to answer, because my reponse to most people is 1, a daughter. Part of me then feels as though I am not cherishing my son's memory, but I also remind myself that it is very personal, and no matter what I tell people, I am always cherishing him. Sometimes it is not for others to see into my heart at that time. Anyone that knows me well knows, and they support me, and that is all that matters.
I know I have not posted much lately, I am still trying to find "Up"... I also know that will take time, and everyday that I am trying is a good day.

Life as I know it...

So, here I am, settling down in TN, and today was really rough. I had to partially unpack Jonathan's things, and at one point I ended up balling in "my room" by myself. My husband of course knew something was wrong, and I cried again. Today, I cried because my daughter will be an only sibling because we have decided for now to not try again. I am on board with this decision, but as a mother my heart aches. Another mother can understand this. I know father's do too, but in a different way. My therapist told me not to keep stuff in boxes, and that she rather have me give it away (in my own time of course) than keep it in storage. I am building my courage to that. I have so many really wonderful things that I imagined when I bought them, that would go to subsequent children. I am keeping some for the wonderful babies I will eventually love to invite into my home.

Today, I went to our insurance company and they said we had two dependants. I had to tell the woman that our son had passed. It is days like today that remind me how fresh and real my pain is.

On a positive note, my husband and I are closer than ever, and he even sent me a dozen roses today. I was ready to tell the world to go "somewhere" and he brightened my day. I am reminded everyday the blessings my son delivered to my family. I prayed everyday for a miracle... I received something I didn't expect...

Love to all that support me still...

XOXO