It Hurts

So, not like the Holidays are hard enough without my husband, my heart is hurting especially tonight. Tonight is Children's Memorial, where we light a candle for those we love and have lost in remembrance..... tomorrow is my birthday... for the rest of my life, it will be this way... WHY??? I ask so many times... I am a good person I say, I do good things I say, then I think I must be a failure..... Still working through it all. I think I will always be angry. It is unfair to carry a child you know will die when you give birth. Birth is supposed to be a joyous time... The last I had was so far from that. I am reminded of the innocence when my 4 year old daughter still does not understand.... how do explain something you don't even understand yourself?? I still think of J in milestones like so many parents with their children... I guess it is just a pity party for me tonight... But I feel that I am entitled... No one seems to understand my pain fully, which I get that too.... I know everyone felt pain, I empathize with them too, trust me.... I just have to vent every once and a while... I feel cleansed when I write here... I feel like I am able to say what I need to without judgment. I appreciate all who read and support me. All my love, xoxoxoxo

Angel J

August 7th, 2010

So here we are, 7 days from the "anniversary" (I hate that word in this context) of J earning his angel wings. We call him "J"... I think that is what I would have called him. I am exceptionally missing my husband over this time. Only a year ago I was still pregnant, and now it has been a year of mourning. Well, I guess a lot of time was spent in denial and other stuff too.... I will say that I am very happy with my life, I think of my son everyday, and the tears are fewer and fewer. The hole inside of my chest is just exceptionally huge right now. I jokingly told Greg he needed to leave the Army... was really joking, but I am so over this deployment already. I still have not settled J's things materialistally; but all in good time. I want to make a shadow box of his clothing, but not until I don't want to hold it anymore. I am not willing to rush myself with anything ever anymore... My son has taught me more about stepping back and really feeling and enjoying life to the best of one's abilities at that moment. How often do we take a second to really feel each thing happening to us, and in those seconds really take it all in?? Now I stamp certain points in my life, and take special note, and feel it all, and put it away cause it was a very good moment. When we suffer so greatly, for so long, for the one thing we want most, our children to be born healthy and happy, one must take something positive out of the experience right?? Or otherwise, seriously, what was the f'n point......I often think to myself all those wonderful cliques that I can't stand... God doesn't give you more than you can handle.... I know how you feel.... Time heals all wounds... etc etc....

Feel like I am rambling now.......... Probably will post a lot this week... feels better to let those that love me and I love to know how I am feeling...
xoxo to you all!

A Hard Question

Until Jonathan I thought the question, "How many children do you have?" was just an innocent question that one would use to get to know you better or to catch up. Everytime I am faced with that question part of my soul freezes; it is hard to always know how to answer that question. There are so many variables that come into play when someone asks. They also don't mean to inflict pain upon you, it is meant to be an innocent question. I don't know that this question will ever get easier to answer, because my reponse to most people is 1, a daughter. Part of me then feels as though I am not cherishing my son's memory, but I also remind myself that it is very personal, and no matter what I tell people, I am always cherishing him. Sometimes it is not for others to see into my heart at that time. Anyone that knows me well knows, and they support me, and that is all that matters.
I know I have not posted much lately, I am still trying to find "Up"... I also know that will take time, and everyday that I am trying is a good day.

Life as I know it...

So, here I am, settling down in TN, and today was really rough. I had to partially unpack Jonathan's things, and at one point I ended up balling in "my room" by myself. My husband of course knew something was wrong, and I cried again. Today, I cried because my daughter will be an only sibling because we have decided for now to not try again. I am on board with this decision, but as a mother my heart aches. Another mother can understand this. I know father's do too, but in a different way. My therapist told me not to keep stuff in boxes, and that she rather have me give it away (in my own time of course) than keep it in storage. I am building my courage to that. I have so many really wonderful things that I imagined when I bought them, that would go to subsequent children. I am keeping some for the wonderful babies I will eventually love to invite into my home.

Today, I went to our insurance company and they said we had two dependants. I had to tell the woman that our son had passed. It is days like today that remind me how fresh and real my pain is.

On a positive note, my husband and I are closer than ever, and he even sent me a dozen roses today. I was ready to tell the world to go "somewhere" and he brightened my day. I am reminded everyday the blessings my son delivered to my family. I prayed everyday for a miracle... I received something I didn't expect...

Love to all that support me still...

XOXO

Time Marches On...

It has been more than 8 weeks since my angel earned his wings. I guess/think I am doing okay. I think about my son everyday, many times a day, sometimes with such joy, sometimes with saddness, and sometimes with a feeling of injustice. I know that is normal. Although I still sometimes feel as if my life is surreal, I also know that I am getting one day closer everyday to what my form of acceptance will be. Right now I don't know that I will ever truly accept what happened only because of the injustice of it all. I know that I will come to terms with what "my plan" is from God, but right now still a bit angry. I may have mentioned before that a friend told me blogging could be very theraputic. I would have to agree. My son will be remembered forever, and this is one outlet for me to use to disuss one of the most important people in my life.

Positive Things in my life:

We are in the middle of moving... that part is not pleasant, but I am so excited!! We are building a house in Clarksville, TN and I will FINALLY have all of my possessions in one house. It has only been 3 years... I am very excited to start something new and have many things to look forward to. Our home will be 1800 sq. ft, my dog finally gets a backyard, and we will have enough room to have many friends and family come and visit. One thing I know for sure is how much I depend on my friends and family. With out them, I would be lost, and I am so very blessed.

My husband and I are happier in our marriage than we have ever been, and I know this is due to Jonathan. I was not granted the gift of life of my son, but I was granted the gift of communication and appriciation with my husband. I was granted the gift of priorities and more love from my support system than I thought imaginable. So many people have done so many very incredible things for us, and I am more grateful than ever to have "my people".

I will check in again soon. It is all a process, and I thank anyone and everyone for reading this...

All my love...

Life is never as one would expect, especially that of a mother that loses a child. I still don't know which way is up, but I am hoping as time progresses I will learn to except that feeling. I am not sure at what point, if ever, if it will go away so to speak. I have surrounded myself with those I love in the past several weeks and to those people I am grateful. I am reminded everyday how blessed I really am, but I am trying to learn how to deal with the empty place that is in my heart. I do know that there are good moments and bad, but I try to stay balanced in the fact that I do not allow myself to get so wrapped up in my sadness that I lose focus of what is really important. I understand that at this point I don't have to know what the future holds, but I do know that I am looking forward to tomorrow and what it will bring. Everyday is a challenge, but one that as I face it, it seems to be something in which I can accomplish. A plan such as this is not one in which is to be understood, but I stand in my faith that it is a plan in which in mine. I look upon my life and I try to at least comprehend that my life has been laid before me in order to prepare me for my current suffering. I know that the future will hold great things for me and my family and that today is one more day closer to feeling a sense of peace I hope. I know my son is in an amazing place and I also know that his impact on others is greater than what some accomplish in an entire lifetime. I can only hope to be so great and honor not only him but those in his situation.