August 7th, 2010

So here we are, 7 days from the "anniversary" (I hate that word in this context) of J earning his angel wings. We call him "J"... I think that is what I would have called him. I am exceptionally missing my husband over this time. Only a year ago I was still pregnant, and now it has been a year of mourning. Well, I guess a lot of time was spent in denial and other stuff too.... I will say that I am very happy with my life, I think of my son everyday, and the tears are fewer and fewer. The hole inside of my chest is just exceptionally huge right now. I jokingly told Greg he needed to leave the Army... was really joking, but I am so over this deployment already. I still have not settled J's things materialistally; but all in good time. I want to make a shadow box of his clothing, but not until I don't want to hold it anymore. I am not willing to rush myself with anything ever anymore... My son has taught me more about stepping back and really feeling and enjoying life to the best of one's abilities at that moment. How often do we take a second to really feel each thing happening to us, and in those seconds really take it all in?? Now I stamp certain points in my life, and take special note, and feel it all, and put it away cause it was a very good moment. When we suffer so greatly, for so long, for the one thing we want most, our children to be born healthy and happy, one must take something positive out of the experience right?? Or otherwise, seriously, what was the f'n point......I often think to myself all those wonderful cliques that I can't stand... God doesn't give you more than you can handle.... I know how you feel.... Time heals all wounds... etc etc....

Feel like I am rambling now.......... Probably will post a lot this week... feels better to let those that love me and I love to know how I am feeling...
xoxo to you all!