As Time Goes By

Here it is, almost 1 1/2 years after the birth of my angel, and I can say that I KNOW that I am and have healed from things......... I hate the saying "You will get OVER it" cause that just isn't true, HOWEVER, You do get THROUGH it...... something I do continue to say and say to others......

Several weeks ago I went to J's gravesite; because I don't live in the same state, when I do go to that state I prepare myself and make a visit. When I decided to actually drive there, my chest felt hollow. When I got there I felt like I couldn't breathe. As I spent time there, I almost felt like it was a reality show, cause they are so common, however I looked up and knew I was alone, and I was able to pray for my family and my son in peace. Peace and Grace are two things that are hard to come by. Peace by oneself, how often does a mother experience that?? But God's Grace is something I am learning/rediscovering.

I am at a point where I know what direction I want to head, without knowing at all.... if that makes sense..... another child, not another child? I have been more than blessed with a daughter that is soooo AMAZING, and I continue to truly wonder what God's plan is for me.... However, I am still finding and continuing in the faith that He will let me know; Somehow.... LOL.... sometimes I wonder of His messages, but I try so very hard to stay true to what I am "supposed" to do according to His plan, regardless of mine.... WHAT A FINE LINE! Ha Ha.....

Hope this finds everyone well, sure do appreciate all the love and support... still. May His light shine brightly on your day :)

Love Never Fails

So here I am tonight, another snow day on my hands... had a great day, started painting my "sunshine room".... a room I am making yellow..... The only reason I wanted to make it yellow was because of J.... yet there is still this amazing emptiness inside of me... Well of course there is I tell myself.... J is not here, hubby is gone, the holiday's rocked my world, and I am yet to feel complete.... Is that too much to ask?? I don't think so. The holiday's rocked me because people that I thought that would know me the best, knew me the least.... that sucked.... then I came home to being alone again. Not to be ungrateful for the things that happened in between, but, come on now....

So, again, here I am again tonight, another snow day on my hands, one of my very besties made me an amazing video that I watch... and when I watch it, not like once or twice, I watch it like ten times at least, but then don't watch it for weeks... sorry, it is a video of the pictures of J when he was born. It is so well thought out, it is so amazing. It makes me think individually about each moment captured.....

SO that leads me to my next point....... not all of the people in those photos do I share my life with anymore. More do I than not, but those that I look at especially those super close to my heart and I wonder, what are you doing?????? I have learned a lot, I have had more of an opinion about a lot, but really??? I believe I was not wrong in any decisions that I have made about certain individuals, and in the end I have to believe it is the legacy that my son brought that allowed me to find myself in being comfortable in even voicing my opinion as I have.

The moral is this.. Love Never Fails.... I trust in this.... I have too.... My son taught me sooo many lessons in such a short time, but those lessons I will not forget, nor will I go back on what I believe due to my hardship..... Live with me now is all I ask.... if only it were that simple for some.

All my love and blessings to those who continue to read.....