It Hurts

So, not like the Holidays are hard enough without my husband, my heart is hurting especially tonight. Tonight is Children's Memorial, where we light a candle for those we love and have lost in remembrance..... tomorrow is my birthday... for the rest of my life, it will be this way... WHY??? I ask so many times... I am a good person I say, I do good things I say, then I think I must be a failure..... Still working through it all. I think I will always be angry. It is unfair to carry a child you know will die when you give birth. Birth is supposed to be a joyous time... The last I had was so far from that. I am reminded of the innocence when my 4 year old daughter still does not understand.... how do explain something you don't even understand yourself?? I still think of J in milestones like so many parents with their children... I guess it is just a pity party for me tonight... But I feel that I am entitled... No one seems to understand my pain fully, which I get that too.... I know everyone felt pain, I empathize with them too, trust me.... I just have to vent every once and a while... I feel cleansed when I write here... I feel like I am able to say what I need to without judgment. I appreciate all who read and support me. All my love, xoxoxoxo